#24 The Eldest Child – CEO in Training or Resentful Parent #2?

Are you the firstborn and secretly exhausted? You’re not alone. In this episode, we dive deep into the eldest child experience—how being the “responsible one” often leads to perfectionism, people-pleasing, burnout, and emotional overfunctioning in adulthood.

If you were basically a third parent growing up, this one’s for you. We’ll talk about parentification, high-achiever syndrome, and how to start setting boundaries with the roles you’ve outgrown.

Keywords: eldest child traits, birth order psychology, parentified child, high-achiever burnout, therapy podcast, perfectionism, family dynamics, childhood roles in adulthood

This podcast is meant to be a conversation — not a lecture. 🖤

Have thoughts, questions, or a topic you want covered? Or want to share how this episode supported you?

Email me at kayla@evolutionwellnessnc.com
or find me on social at @itskaylareilly. I genuinely love hearing what you’re navigating. ✨

Transcript

Introduction to The Eldest Child

Speaker 1 0:01

Welcome, welcome, happy Monday. I am so glad you are here. If you are new here, welcome to the Not your Therapist podcast, where we talk about all things mental health. I'm Kayla, I am a therapist, I created a group practice here in Wilmington, north Carolina, and I love to take the white gloves off and not be restricted by insurance or professionalism and I like to just be myself on here and tell it how it is. So today we're going to talk about being the eldest child. I think this is so funny. When I was writing this, I was like you were parentified before you had pubes. And it is true. It is so, so true.

Parentification and Classical Conditioning

Speaker 1 0:45

I love the title the CEO in training or resentful parent number two, because that's a lot of times where we go Eldest child, eldest childs, what? Eldest children either become leaders or they become resentful and stewy and scary. Because you can either it's almost like gasoline, right, if you have a bunch of gasoline, you can either pour it on yourself and light yourself on frigging fire, or you could put it in your gas tank and actually go somewhere. But in order to pour it in your gas tank and go somewhere, you have to have that awareness, the acceptance and the action. So today it's all going to be about the eldest child, how you've been impacted, what the research says, and I'm even going to give you some tips about building that awareness, trying to find that acceptance and maybe even leaning into a little bit of action to change the defense mechanisms that you probably developed to survive as the eldest child in your family. Let's get into it, okay. So let's be honest Eldest children don't really get a childhood as much as they get a 10-year unpaid internship in emotional labor, especially if either of your parents is emotionally immature, if you've got alcoholism, if you've got mental health disorders, if you've got a parent that peaced out, if you had the additional burden of having parents that were unbaked cookies, then this is probably even more pronounced. If you were raised in more of a wholesome family, these traits will be there. They just won't be maybe as glaringly obvious, but they will definitely be there.

Speaker 1 2:45

Okay, so let's talk about how. You already know this, but you were probably the one who got blamed a lot and expected to lead, and you had a lot of expectations put on you. There were all the eyeballs on you, right, you were the example, you were the first. You paved the way for everybody else. You were probably incredibly responsible because your parents expected you to be. You were praised when you were responsible. You were probably ignored or punished when you were irresponsible.

Speaker 1 3:19

So, of course, if you think about classical conditioning so when I talk about classical conditioning everyone thinks about Pavlov. Right, pavlov was a psychologist and he was the one who figured out conditioning. Aka, if a dog heard a bell and was given food, heard a bell and was given food, heard a bell and was giving food, eventually, when you ring the bell, the dog expects to be fed. So that is conditioning. And so when there is a reinforcement, a behavior gets reinforced and develops and is stronger. When a behavior is ignored or punished or there's some kind of a consequence, that behavior starts to dwindle.

Speaker 1 4:04

So for eldest children, we think about it. I have an oldest child and when he puts his dish away, when he throws something in the trash, when he helps mommy change the baby's diaper, when he puts his own shoes on, I praise the crap out of him. I'm like wow, it's amazing, good job, you're so rad. And I can imagine that as he develops and gets older, I'm going to continue to praise responsible shit, responsible behaviors and I'm thinking about myself.

Speaker 1 4:36

I am the eldest child and I also know a lot of eldest children and I'm thinking about how, when I was raised, my parents praised the crap out of me for good grades and then my brother came along and he was getting like C minuses. My parents were like, yay, and then I'd get a, b, and they were like we expected better of you. That is the perfect little story, or example of the difference in these expectations that are put on. The first, I think I had, like you know, a bedtime of nine and then, by the time I was a teenager, I don't think my parents even had a bedtime for my brother, or it was later because they were like oh, we don't feel like doing this twice, so you might as well stay up late too. Right, it's hard. It's hard being the person who paves the way for others.

Research on Eldest Children

Speaker 1 5:32

I think about this with activism, right? The first woman to ever go into the career field probably had such a harder time than women nowadays. Are we all equals? No, but the pioneers, the first, the trendsetters, probably had such a harder time. Think about the first black person to go into a white restaurant. Can you imagine how hard that was, how much abuse, and this is probably a terrible example. It probably is, but what's happening in the world right now really is bringing me to this headspace of like let's not go backwards. The pioneers created so, they went through so much to create these rights for minorities, and here we are kind of turning the clock backwards. Oh, my goodness, I digress. Please don't turn this off. I'm going to keep going about the eldest child. You're not here to hear about my opinions, anyways.

Speaker 1 6:36

So you were the one that got blamed. When you did something wrong. You got punished pretty severely. Your parents had the energy to do that right. You were the example you probably heard hey, can you help her sister with her shoes? You're the oldest, you need to act like she's doing what you're doing. She's watching you or he's watching you Set a good example. So the translation is hey, you're responsible for everyone else's crap. Now, that's not what was said to you explicitly, but implicitly. That's very much how you were parented this message that you're responsible for other people. You're responsible for your mom being proud of you and happy. You're responsible for your dad being angry at you if you did something irresponsible. You're responsible for helping your siblings, right. So see how you were reinforced to consider and be in charge of other people's reaction. And if your parents were overwhelmed, emotionally immature or just inconsistent, that pressure turned into full-blown parentification. You became a backup parent, the fixer, the emotional sponge, maybe the family therapist.

Speaker 1 7:54

So let's talk a little bit about what the research says. I'm not just roasting you, I'm sharing with you the evidence, the psychological understanding. So studies show that eldest kids are more likely to be high, achieving, conscientious, conscientious that's a hard word to say, try saying that out loud three times fast Conscientious, conscientious, anyways, high, achieving, conscientious, and even higher. They earn higher salaries on average. But also they tend to be more anxious, more perfectionistic why did I pick a podcast with so many challenging words? Perfectionistic, and they typically struggle with relinquishing control. So it's harder to lean into vulnerability a lot of times for the eldest child it's a lot of times. If you're an eldest daughter, it's really hard to get in touch sometimes with that femininity, that soft, vulnerable side of yourself.

How It Shows Up In Adulthood

Speaker 1 9:04

Eldest children often internalize love as being useful or successful. So if you have been shaped, you've been conditioned to think that being useful to others or being successful, however your family valued that is a good thing. For me it was running a business. Oh my God, doesn't that just surprise you. So here I am running a business and it's probably because I was shaped to. My parents really valued small business and I was the eldest child Whoa, boom. So you're probably really successful or you are really useful to others. So you probably bend over backwards to make others happy and you probably have a really hard time when somebody's mad at you. Okay. So if rest makes you feel guilty or if you need a spreadsheet to take a vacation, hey, hey, eldest child, what's up? And if you're listening to this to understand an eldest child, maybe you're starting to build some insight. Maybe your partner's the eldest, maybe your older sister's the eldest, maybe I don't know, but maybe this is helping you look at them in a different way.

Speaker 1 10:20

Let's talk a little bit about how this shows up in your adulthood. So in your relationships, you probably are taking on the project manager role. You probably keep the mental checklist. So my husband gives me a hard time because I'll be like I did the dishwasher four times last week and you only did it once. And he's like geez, louise, why do you keep track of such things? But then when I do nice things, you don't remember and I'm like, oh, you're right, I've got this mental checklist of responsibilities and I need to learn to lay that down. I really need to learn to lay that down so I can be at peace in my relationships.

Speaker 1 11:04

Or planning the logistics. I, in my marriage, have a really hard time letting Robert plan vacations because I'm so fearful that he's going to screw it up. And then, when he does screw it up because that's how you learn right, if you never planned a vacation and you plan a vacation for the first time, you're going to screw it up. That's how you learn. I hold him over the fire. I'm better now, but in the beginning of our relationship, like 10 years ago, I would have held him over the fire. I'm better now, but in the beginning of our relationship, like 10 years ago, I would have held him over the fire for making a mistake or putting.

Speaker 1 11:36

One time we went to Germany and I planned most of the trip and I was like, can't you just help me at all? And he's like sure, what's our first? What haven't you done yet? And I was like we need a hotel room in Frankfurt. Okay, it was our first stop. So we got into Germany, we had a six month old baby and we go to the hotel. We're sleeping because we're super jet lagged. But then we wake up and we're like, all right, it was nighttime in Germany. We're like we're starving, we have to get something to eat. So we get outside of the hotel the hotel was really nice Get outside of the hotel. We're walking down the road, the baby's in the stroller.

Speaker 1 12:11

Drug dealer, drug dealer, sex worker, sex shop drug dealer. I remember a drug dealer like literally drug deal going down and these people were like nefarious and looked at me and they're like nice baby. Long story short, we got into the cab to come home after we had had dinner somewhere. We figured out where to have dinner and we had a cab driver drive us home and he's like you're staying in the red light district. Oh my God, I died. I still laugh about this to this day. And my husband's like huh, he was like yeah, frankfurt's the only city in Germany with a red light district and you're staying right in the heart of it and I oh my God, dead, totally dead. I was so angry at him, but now I think it's hilarious, okay.

Speaker 1 13:04

Another thing that probably happens to you in your adult relationships is that you probably attract emotional toddlers. You probably are attracting people. If you haven't healed, if you haven't done the work and unraveled these defenses, unraveled these ways of being, you probably attract people to you who expect you to hold it all together. We always attract and this is maybe a spiritual idea, but I believe in it we always attract what we need to help us finish our unfinished business. We always do. We have this lost part of ourselves and we're always going to attract that. So if you have a part of yourself that's irresponsible and you know wasn't able to just kick back and relax and take care of yourself and put yourself first, you're probably going to attract somebody that does that and they're probably going to drive you nuts until you do the work and you are able to lean into that and become whole. And then, once you become whole, then you can start giving healing to someone else. So a lot of times in couples therapy people are looking to fix the other person and the mind fuckery of couples therapy comes when you learn. In order to get safety, you have to give safety. In order to get love, you have to give love. In order to get softness, you have to give softness right. So it's this journey of how do I find my shadow self become whole so that I can give it to another, so that we can now have a union that's functional and sustainable In your work environment.

Speaker 1 14:56

You're the eldest child. You're probably praised for being so reliable and working so hard, but inside you're like screaming and exhausted Burnout. She's your shadow. She's your shadow queen. Right, you are probably burnout like a mofo. I say she. There are lots of eldest children that are men and you probably struggle, probably. Why did I just say that you definitely struggle with the same dang thing. So I'm sorry for saying she. If you're he, he, okay. In your family you're probably still the one making the plan for Thanksgiving and making the spreadsheet of when everything needs to go in the oven. No one's ever going to thank you for it. Probably your younger siblings probably act like you're bossy and resent you. But who else is going to make the damn spreadsheet Right If you don't do it? No one's going to do it, but they resent you for it. I know in my family I'm always the one taking pictures and asking smile, get together, look up at the camera, and they used to give me hell in a hand basket about that. But now that we're older, the only pictures that we have of us as youngins is because I took them. Thank you, you're welcome. Do I get thanked for that? No, but thank God, I've healed and learned to appreciate myself.

Healing and Breaking Free

Speaker 1 16:21

Moving on, let's talk about signs that you're still stuck in that role. It's probably pretty obvious to you by now, but if you are stuck in this role, you might be struggling to ask for help. You might be secretly resentful when others relax or others take care of themselves. You don't trust that things will get done unless you do them. This is kind of like undercover anxiety. You over-identify with being strong and under-identify with being supported. So if I say to you, hey, you're so strong, you're probably like yeah, I know. But if I'm like, oh, you're supported and loved, like, yeah, I know. But if I'm like, oh, you're supported and loved, you're probably like ick, that's. That's signs that you need to heal brother or sister. Okay, this isn't just a personality trait. These are defenses that were developed and reinforced, conditioned into you very young.

Speaker 1 17:19

So what are you going to do now that you've got all of this lovely awareness? I want you to start by asking yourself what would it look like if I did things differently and how would I behave differently if I believed that I wasn't responsible for everybody else? What might that look like? And start small, right, start small. Identify one area. Here's a good one.

Speaker 1 17:45

One of my clients used to get into these drag out fights with her husband over the dishwasher. Her husband would always put the silverware down instead of up in the silverware holder, and we were working on learning to let that go. Now, that's tiny, that seems small, but y'all, that's how change happens. Change happens finding small situations, small opportunities to expose yourself to discomfort, to try something new and to prove to yourself oh look, the silverware is still clean, the fork is clean, it's okay, right, I can let that go. And learning to let things go in a little way does have ripple effects. So ask yourself what's one thing that I take responsibility, thing that I take responsibility, taking responsibility and that I don't need to, I can let go.

Speaker 1 18:55

I want the other thing for you to do is I want you to notice how often you jump in to fix or manage something without being asked. This might come in the form of comforting someone, getting someone a gift because you know they're going through a hard time, like you're fixing or managing or like helping when you have not been invited to do so. I also want you to practice delegating, even if it's just asking your partner to make dinner one night a week. Hey, you know, I'm hoping that. Maybe you know I'm usually the one cooking dinner. How about Tuesdays? You make dinner and I promise that I am going to let you make dinner. I'm not going to criticize you. I'm not going to buy you the prep ingredients, I'm not going to plan it. I'm not going to give you a 10 step tutorial on how to make it, I'm just going to plan it. I'm not going to give you a 10-step tutorial on how to make it. I'm just going to expect for dinner to show up at six o'clock on a Tuesday or whatever.

Speaker 1 19:49

But you have to also like let the whole thing go. My friend, if you practice delegation, you have to be comfortable with the result and you have to keep your mouth shut when the result is something that you didn't expect or something happens not the way you would have done it. Keep your mouth shut Because again, let's go back to Pavlov you're conditioning. If someone does something and you criticize them, you are conditioning them not to do it, and the whole purpose of delegating is for you to let go, friend, for you to let go, and if you let go and then criticize and punish someone for what they're doing, they're not going to do it, just saying Okay. Also, last little exercise for you. Let good enough be good enough.

Speaker 1 20:38

Just because you're capable doesn't mean it should always be you right. I think there's this terminal uniqueness that eldest child hold on to Like I'm terminally unique, I'm the only one that can do this. I'm the only one, yeah, but just because you can doesn't mean you should, and sometimes the silverware being face down in the silver holder is good enough, all right. So I want you to have this affirmation.

Speaker 1 21:10

I love affirmations. I have these little sticky notes all over my house and I always offer these to my coaching clients and to my therapy clients. I have them have like an affirmation or a mantra of the week. I always call it a mantra, mantra, affirmation, whatever. But here it is. I'm allowed to rest, I'm allowed to receive. I don't have to prove my worth by carrying everything for everyone all the time.

Coming Up Next

Speaker 1 21:40

Here's another one that I really like. I can't be all things to all people all the time. Here's another one that I really like. I can't be all things to all people all the time. I like that, I really like that, because you can't, you just can't, and if you are trying to do that, you probably resent everybody in your life, all right. So being the eldest can really. It can make you a leader, can make you a protector, it can make you a total badass, but it can also make you a martyr, and you don't have to live there anymore, friend.

Speaker 1 22:08

Next episode, we're going to talk about middle child magic and invisibility, and if you're not the middle child or second child, I still want you to listen to it because I think that it will help you have a deeper understanding and empathy for the people in your life. Okay, hop on over to Private Practice with Gayla. If you want to connect with me on social media or subscribe, hit that subscribe button. It helps me get to more people's ears. Share this with a friend, share this with an eldest child, y'all All right, I'll catch you next week. Bye.