Not Your Therapist
Life is messy, relationships are complicated, and let’s be real—mental health can feel like a full-time job. If you’re looking for down-to-earth, no-BS conversations about navigating stress, relationships, and personal growth, you’re in the right place.
I’m Kayla Reilly, a licensed therapist, entrepreneur, and real-life human who knows that wellness isn’t about perfection—it’s about finding what actually works for you. This show is for anyone who wants approachable mental health tools, relatable insights, and a little humor along the way.
Each episode, we break down the good, the bad, and the downright frustrating parts of life—from managing anxiety and breaking toxic patterns to setting boundaries and creating balance (without the guilt). No therapy jargon, no fluff—just real talk and practical strategies to help you feel more grounded in your everyday life.
Hit play, get comfortable, and let’s figure this life thing out together.
Not Your Therapist
#29 Boundary Boot Camp: From People-Pleaser to Self-Protector
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The word "boundaries" has become such a buzzword that many people throw it around without truly understanding what it means. But what exactly are boundaries, and why do so many of us struggle to set them effectively?
Boundaries aren't about controlling others—they're guidelines for what you will and won't allow in your life. The key distinction lies in taking responsibility for yourself rather than trying to change someone else's behavior. A true boundary consists of identifying unacceptable behavior and determining what YOU will do if that boundary isn't respected.
For those raised with messaging about always being nice, avoiding conflict, or putting others first, boundary-setting feels nearly impossible. Family systems that reward people-pleasing, religious teachings about self-sacrifice, or witnessing parental martyrdom create powerful barriers to establishing healthy limits. Without these boundaries, chronic resentment festers, burnout becomes inevitable, and a confused sense of identity emerges—especially in enmeshed family systems.
Through practical examples—from managing intrusive conversations with parents to creating decompression time after work—this episode provides concrete strategies for implementing boundaries in everyday life. The guilt that initially accompanies boundary-setting is normal, comparable to the discomfort of learning any new skill. By starting small, being consistent, and using supportive mantras like "Discomfort is not danger" and "Boundaries create safety, not separation," you can build momentum toward a more balanced, self-respecting life.
Ready to stop leaking energy because you're afraid to set limits? This episode walks you through a simple journaling exercise to identify where boundaries are needed most, and offers a step-by-step approach to practicing this essential self-care skill. Because ultimately, a well-boundaried you is better for everyone in your life—whether they realize it or not.
This podcast is meant to be a conversation — not a lecture. 🖤
Have thoughts, questions, or a topic you want covered? Or want to share how this episode supported you?
Email me at kayla@evolutionwellnessnc.com
or find me on social at @itskaylareilly. I genuinely love hearing what you’re navigating. ✨
I think that the word boundaries has become a buzzword and that people don't actually know what it means. How many times have you heard people on television shows or your family and your friends say, oh, you need to set better boundaries. Or oh, you're not very good with boundaries. Or wow, she's really stepping over your boundaries. What does it mean and how do you set them, especially if you're somebody who has a hard time setting them in the first place? Let's talk about it today. We're gonna have some fun. This is gonna be a quick, hitting episode and I hope you like it. I like this topic. Okay, let's go.
Speaker 1:Hey there, and welcome to Not your Therapist the no BS podcast, where I ditch the therapy couch and get real about life, love, work and all the messy in-betweens. I'm Kayla Riley, a licensed therapist and founder of a group practice that now runs without me, giving me freedom to spend more time with my littles and to share the secrets of wellness I've learned with people like you. This isn't therapy. It's your go-to for real talk, practical tips and the occasional truth bomb to help you thrive. And, the best part no diagnosis, no insurance company constraints. I get to take off the white gloves and tell it like it is, because I'm not your therapist. If you're ready to break free from unhealthy patterns, navigate the messiness of life with more ease and uncover the magic in your everyday moments, you're in the right place. Welcome to your healing era. Friends, let's do this.
Speaker 1:What are boundaries really? Boundaries are guidelines for what you will and will not allow into your life. So it's not about controlling other people, which I think is a big trap for a lot of people. It's about taking responsibility for yourself. So think I won't continue this conversation if you raise your voice at me versus you need to stop yelling. You need to stop yelling is not a boundary, it's trying to control somebody else. I want to clarify that. So, so, so deeply. I think that you can check in with yourself too, like, when you're saying a boundary, there's two important parts the what and then the consequence, right? So what is it you will and will not tolerate, and what are you going to do about it if somebody doesn't respect that? That's really the two big parts of boundaries. So I think you can check in with your intention to like am I trying to change this person or control this person's behavior, or am I just shutting the door on a behavior that I will not tolerate. Big difference, okay.
Speaker 1:So this feels so dang hard to a lot of people, especially if you were raised by a family and the messages, whether they were implicit or explicit, if the little messages by your culture and your family were good, girls, don't say no or don't upset your father, or be nice. Don't you want to be nice? So people pleasing is a humongous part of this. If you are living your life according to how other people see you, or being liked or being accepted by other people, and you have a fear of rejection, a fear of not fitting in, a fear of lack of acceptance, then you might have a really hard time setting boundaries. Emotional incest, like my last episode if you haven't listened to it, go check it out. But if your parents had any kind of emotional incest or they parentified you in any way, then you were trained to live for meeting other people's needs.
Speaker 1:Other people are first right and I think there's a lot of confusion about what's nice, what is nice and kindness. You know what's kindness. Like Brené Brown says, clear is kind when we are clear. I will not accept this kind of behavior. I will not tolerate this kind of disrespect. That's clear and kind. Being nice is not like giving in to somebody, even though you resent them and don't like them, and they're hurting your feelings. But you're doing, you're not saying anything, you're not setting a clear boundary. That's not being kind, that's avoiding a hard conversation, okay.
Speaker 1:Another reason why setting boundaries might feel hard for you is that you were taught that love means self-sacrifice. I see this a lot in people who are raised in religious families, particularly Catholicism. This idea I see this a lot too with unhealthy mothers. So if your mother raised you in a way of like I do everything for you, I don't even go to my doctor, get myself new clothes and like, this idea of like self-sacrifice is healthy and loving no, it's not. No, it's not. And to those mothers who raise their kids that way Get over yourself and get it together and go get a therapist, because doing for others to the point where you're depleting yourself is just teaching your kids bad boundaries. It's not healthy. It is healthy to say to your kids I love you, but I need space from you right now. I need some space. Right Like I'm overstimulated. This is a lot. I need space. Or I need a date night, or I need a girl's night or I need some alone time. All of that is healthy and demonstrating healthy boundaries. Okay.
Speaker 1:So what happens without boundaries? I already mentioned it chronic resentment. So if you're giving in or you're not setting limits, you are going to resent other people and you might resent yourself. And it might be low key and subconscious, like under the conscious awareness, but it's there Also. Burnout, holy moly. If you are giving and giving and giving and giving to your kids, to your parents, to your family, to your clients, to your husband, to your friends, to your family, to your wife, whatever, and you're constantly giving and giving and giving, you're going to burn out, and I think I did an episode on this earlier, so go check it out. But burnout is more than just oh, I'm sick of this. It's like a depletion of dopamine and serotonin and it's like overwhelming cortisol in your body and you might actually need a good detox. You can't just snap out of that Identity.
Speaker 1:Confusion can also be a part of this. If you're not setting boundaries with others, it's hard to see what's me and what's them. I see this a lot in families of alcoholism and addiction. There's so much enmeshment that it's unclear like what do you like? What do you think? So those are your family's values, but what are your values, right? Those are signs that you do not have good boundaries. And those are the results, right, the consequences.
Speaker 1:Now let's talk about setting boundaries in real life, with examples. I'm going to give you some examples of what boundaries are. Now, I said earlier, a boundary is what behavior am I not going to tolerate and what am I going to do about it? So the trap that I see a lot of people fall into is setting a boundary and then waiting for the other person to respect it. Guess what? That's not going to happen. The only person that's responsible for respecting the boundary is you. People might choose to respect it, people might choose not to respect it, but ultimately, only you are responsible for upholding that boundary.
Speaker 1:So, for example, let's say my parents always talk crap about my sister and every time I'm on the phone, they start talking to me about my sister and worry about my sister. What are we going to do about my sister? I might say something like hey, I'm not willing to talk about my sister, I'm not willing to talk about my sister's life choices. She's made choices, that's. That's. We're not going to talk about that, right, boom, now there needs to be an or what, or I get off the phone and this could be. You can say that to the other person, or you could just keep it to yourself. You don't have to tell people like, hey, stop asking about I don't know, stop asking about my relationship issues with my husband, or I'm going to hang up on you. You can just say, please, stop asking about that. And then, if they keep asking, hang up, right, all right.
Speaker 1:So here's another example is with your partner, maybe, hey, when I get off work, I need 20 minutes to decompress after work before we hop into like the family life and chit, chatting and cooking dinner and all that stuff. Like I need 20 minutes of space. So with work, maybe it's hey, I'm no longer going to be checking my email after 6pm, right? Or with kids, hey, I would love to come play with you. When you ask in a calm voice, and after I cook dinner so mommy's busy cooking dinner, you can ask me nicely and I would love to come play with you. But it's not going to be right now, it's going to be in 20 minutes.
Speaker 1:So the guilt that you might feel when you're setting boundaries is normal. It's a normal part of this, but it's not a sign that you're doing it wrong or you're doing anything wrong. Guilt can be a withdrawal symptom from the identity that you had as a fixer or a people pleaser or a rescuer. So if your nervous system is used to fawning or taking care of other people and now you're doing something totally new, you're going to have that initial sense of like guilt and anxiety, and what I want you to do is sit with that. Don't let it be in charge, don't let it boss you around, don't let it drive the bus. Right, feelings are. They should not be in control. So I want you to sit with the feeling, allow it to be, take some breaths, but don't act on it. Right, and this is what it takes to reprogram yourself.
Speaker 1:When you're learning a new skill, a new mental health skill, a new physical skill, whatever. It's always uncomfortable when you're learning a new skill because you're not used to it. Think about going to the gym. I'm just thinking about that because I've been going to personal training. I'm trying to lose my mama belly After having two kids. I've got that nice loose muffin top Lovely and I love to eat. That's my main problem, like even if I go to the gym consistently, which I have been for a while. I'm bad about that, but I've been going consistently to the gym. But I love food. I love food. I love ice cream and pizza and French fries. I love trash, but anyways.
Speaker 1:So if you're going to the gym and you're not used to going to the gym and you're doing like I don't know, like flies or bench presses, you're going to feel awkward as shit and weird and uncomfortable. The first couple times you do it it's weird. So think of that in comparison to setting boundaries for the first time and you're feeling guilty and icky and weird. It's okay to feel weird. You're new, right, you are new to this. This is uncomfortable because it's a new experience and you can get through that, and the only way to get through that is to allow it to be and not to resist. So, for example, if you're learning to bench press and you're always drop the weights and run out of the gym, you're never going to work through that uncomfortableness that is learning that new skill of lifting weights.
Speaker 1:Okay, now here are some mantras that you can sprinkle in. You can write them on post-it notes. If you're a follower of mine, you know I love a post-it note. I love a post-it note. They're all over my desk. I'm literally looking at them and they're everywhere. It might actually be a little ugly. I should probably clean these up. But let's go with some some nice post-it note mantras or you can put them as the background of your phone. That's a really another. That's a good other strategy that I use with my clients a lot. So here are some good mantras Discomfort is not danger.
Speaker 1:Discomfort is not danger. I'm allowed to disappoint people. To stay true to myself boundaries create safety, not separation. Boundaries create safety, not separation. Okay, so if you're gonna start this, let's say this is new for you.
Speaker 1:I want you to try this journal. What's been bothering you, if you're feeling drained or resentful or overextended or whatever. I just want you to write down, like what's been happening lately, what are the behaviors you're engaging in where you're feeling resentful and uncomfortable and drained, or what are other people saying or asking of you that's draining you, frustrating you, whatever. Write that down. Clarify what is the behavior. You do not want to use a description word here, right, like oh, my husband's being selfish, not a behavior. But if my husband is going surfing, this is not true, I'm making this up. If my husband is going surfing every Saturday morning and leaves me with a sink full of dishes and two children to take care of and doesn't get home until noon, and then he comes home and naps, right Like, and I'm feeling resentful about that, see how I'm defining the behavior, so, and then I'm going to clarify what is it that I'm needing, right, like, I need for the dishes to be clean and, um, you know, I'm going to give you your space from nine to 12, and then I'm going to take space from 12 to three. Right, there's a clear boundary, behavioral boundary, not. Hey, I need you to stop being selfish. I think that's a trap A lot of couples fall into. Okay, so when you get that journaling done, I want you to pick one thing. When you get that journaling done, I want you to pick one thing Start very small, clear, kind boundary with someone who's particularly safe. I'm not going to go off if I'm practicing for the first time. I'm not going to pop off and set an emotional boundary with somebody who is not a safe person in my life. I'm going to pick a small boundary and go set it with someone who's loving and caring and wants our relationship to be better, right, so keep that in mind.
Speaker 1:The third rule is using I statements right, and you got to follow through. You got to follow through consistently because if you say, hey, I will not allow you to talk about my sister with me mom, I'm no longer going to engage in those conversations and then she sets it. You know she says it the next conversation you say, hey, mom, just a reminder, I'm not going to talk about my sister. And then the next time she calls you, do talk about your sister. And then the next time she calls you, just try to set the boundary again.
Speaker 1:It's very important that you follow through with your boundary consistently. So I'm asking you this, listener where in your life are you leaking energy because you're afraid to set a limit? Think about that for a second. I hope this has been helpful for you. Go, journal down what's bothering you, even if it's on a random little piece of paper somewhere in your car.
Speaker 1:Start small, start practicing those boundaries.
Speaker 1:Don't feel guilt and back out of them or give in because you're a people pleaser.
Speaker 1:Start practicing this new skill. I promise that the more you practice, the more confident you're going to get. And when we behave like we love ourselves and we love ourselves first and we prioritize ourselves, our belief systems and our behaviors and everything else, it all starts to fall into place Really, truly. It's that idea of momentum right. If we start a ball rolling, once it starts rolling and rolling and rolling, it's going to pick up momentum and that's where mental health stuff really goes into effect.
Speaker 1:Like that's where change can really be seen is when you start utilizing these new skills and you practice them, and you practice them, and you practice them, and then all of a sudden it starts getting easier. And then you start practicing them with people who are a little bit more challenging and then all of a sudden, you start valuing yourself and you start seeing like, hey, it is kind to take care of myself, it is kind and loving to take care of myself. Whether they see it or not, right, a cared for, loving Kayla is better for everyone in my life, whether they realize it or not. On that note, I'm going to go have me a nice hot tea and move on with my day. So good chatting with you. Hop on over to my website if you want to see other ways to work with me and I'll catch you next time. Bye.